Last updated on May 16th, 2023 at 09:40 am
TW: This episode contains a scene of sexual abuse.
Jude and I had been very awkward around each other, barely talking, yet we were both performing our roles. I had also been locking the door to the room every night and opening it before he woke up. On the outside, it seemed like everything was just great, but we both knew what was happening. We still wore the same outfit and acted like the perfect couple in church, but that was it.
***
I now had my girl in my arms. I finally held her and breathe in the new life, the clean slate. I cried while she was in my arms, I cried because it was so good to have her and she was the easiest pregnancy ever. I cried because I felt guilty, so much guilt for not loving her until a few months before she was born. I stroked and whispered apologies to her.
Vic was extremely happy; screaming over the phone. Mummy got to know after I gave birth. I came to the hospital and did not even spend thirty minutes. I called everyone after I gave birth. I felt a sense of newness with her and could not stop kissing her and crying.
***
Life continued as a new mother. There was really nothing special, just shorter nights. The stress was the same and well, me keeping her brothers off her as they were both committed to being good brothers. I have three children, wow. Mummy said she could not come around to assist me and sincerely, I was pleased, let her stay with her husband.
Two weeks after coming back from the hospital, I had just breastfed Dolapo when Jude came inside. I felt panic and told myself to breathe. He was coming towards me.
“What what is it?” I stuttered.
“Let’s go into the other room.”
“For what? I am taking care of your child.” Emphasizing the last part so he remembered.
“Let’s go to the room. I need sex now.” He had the bland look like the other night, the crazy night in December.
“I am not ready, I just got back from the hospital. The doctor has not even cleared me yet.”
“Lape, into the other room now. You have been starving me and I have been looking at you for months. I paid your bride price and you are belittling me as the head of the house.”
“Jude, I was pregnant. A pregnancy that was your intention.”
“And so? Is that why you have been pushing me to the wall? If you want to see a monster, you are going to see one. Your very actions will push me and I will gladly oblige.”
“Jude, you are just wicked on your own, it’s not my actions. We both know you tampered with the condom. You are very-”
“Very what?! Okay, I pierced the condom, the condoms, not once or twice. So what?” He smiled wickedly probably feeling the satisfaction from letting me know. I knew I was not crazy, but his admitting to it, something he did more than nine months ago made me feel weak. He turned and left. I felt a momentary relief and allowed his words ‘not once or twice’ to replay in my head. This monster can’t be my husband.
***
I forgot to close the door. The familiar hands moved up my clothes, I felt creeped out and wanted to scream. He left last night only to come now. I lied there and allowed him instead of screaming or pushing or even begging. I let him have his fill even though I was still sore. I closed my eyes all through and even after he had left, not wanting to see him.
I later got up and scrubbed my body. I did not cry today, instead, I scrubbed every part of my body, hard. This time around, I locked the door. Thankfully, I slept… until Dolapo woke me later.
***
“Vic, I am coming to Lagos.”
“Ehn?!”
“I am coming once Dolapo is a month, prepare for me o.”
“I am prepared now. What of Jude?”
“I will solve that later.”
Going to Lagos would definitely start a fight that I couldn’t finish, but I needed the time. I had lived in denial for so long, now I was currently in the acceptance phase. I would try to clear a lot of orders before leaving and wouldn’t stay long in Lagos. I also needed to get an IUD, I had been reading about it for a while now and there were some very scary reports on some but I was willing to try, hopefully, it was smooth for me. Everything about a woman’s reproductive system seemed to be pain-inflicting, you always had to pick your poison.
Sarah also told me she has been on the nonhormonal IUD for about ten years and she just changed it last year to go for another ten years. I would just do the same when I went to Lagos, two birds, one stone.
***
Jude had another girlfriend. I wondered how shallow he was for me to have been able to notice his mood change when something new was happening to him. I checked his phone last night and as expected, there was a new madam, Rolake. And he seemed smitten by his newfound love, sending her a text every morning.
There was nothing to convince me that Jude ever loved me. My life was a sad story: a detached husband, liked me being pregnant, and stopped me from making any financial progress all the while cheating. If Rolake could distract him enough so he did not come to me against my wishes at night, then so be it.
I had not gone to Vic since I told her I would be coming and she already concluded that I wouldn’t be coming. I was actually scared of going. Jude would never agree. If I went, I was still coming back, what happened then? At least now there seemed to be peace, since he had a distraction. I kept telling Vic that business sales had been doing very fine and orders had been crazy, but she did not believe that was the reason. I knew I needed to make the trip. I’d face the consequences when I returned.
I would surprise her when I went to her place next month. I will ask her mum for her address. Speaking of mummy Abound, I felt so bad and ashamed of myself. With her support during Daniel’s birth, I let myself get carried away by life and my marriage. I had to call her, right this moment. Lape, Ruth abokoku. I wish I could scold my silly self sometimes.