Last updated on May 16th, 2023 at 09:31 am
TW: This episode contains a scene of sexual abuse.
I already added sneakers to my business and it seemed to be doing well; it would soon be a year and I could only attribute my success to Sarah and Vic. I did not have to even spend from the profit because Jude kept leaving our allowance. I was also having a very smooth pregnancy; it almost felt like a dream. It was ironic that the child I didn’t actually want was the one giving me the easiest time. Thinking about not wanting her made me feel guilty but I was coming around daily. Yes, the scan showed us a girl.
Jude had been behaving strangely for a while and I already determined not to check his phone again, so I did not bother. He was acting cold, taking longer showers, going to work late, and coming home smelling of beer; not drunk but maybe tipsy. Almost as if he was going through a breakup or he was laid off at work. The latter seemed a bit scary, but the former made me happy.
I went to Faith’s IG and could not believe my eyes. I had to zoom in on the picture. Faith got married!? “Now Mrs. Eze” was written as her caption. She looked really beautiful and her husband was also handsome. How long had they been together? Was he always in the picture? I had a million questions to ask.
Later that night, when Jude slept, I picked up his phone and scrolled. I had a smirk on my face as I scrolled. For the first time, I felt no anxiety checking his phone, just excitement. Maybe now he would face his family. But with the way he has been acting devastated and not hiding it? Thinking about this reduced my excitement, just a little. As long he was facing some pain, I was totally fine with it.
Apparently, Faith had broken up with him for no reason at all and then gotten married three days later. I felt like a detective with the way I was corroborating information from his phone and from Faith’s IG. Jude was begging and sending pictures of him crying, he also sent a lot of voice notes, bawling. I felt embarrassed on his behalf.
Later he started threatening her, sending her the pictures of her wedding that he saw and threatening to call her spouse and close down her shop. Faith was really chill about it, emphasizing not wanting to block him because of what they once shared which was beautiful. His messages and calls were a lot. I would have been scared if I was Faith, really scared. Her responses showed that she was not even moved. And then it occurred to me that this was whom I was married to. A cold shiver ran through my spine as I went inside to drop the phone, looking at Jude asleep. A psychopath.
***
My life currently seemed like it had been overturned by some strange forces. It seemed like a convenient excuse to say some forces though. I had sat and thought of my life and it dawned on me that I made a lot of mistakes. Accepting this was really hard because I guess it was easy to believe that you had no hand in certain outcomes of your life, but I definitely had a hand in this. Oh, I had a lot of hands even.
Two kids and a baby on the way and I was beginning to realize that taking no stance in and about my life has led me here. Even with this realization, I still felt helpless. I didn’t know the next step in all sincerity and holding on to my business—the one stance I had been able to make seemed like the most rational thing for me to do. So, I woke up daily, cooked for my kids and Jude took the kids to school and went to the firm to work. I took orders, sent them out, uploaded pictures, and worked until Sarah reminded me to eat. It was a wonder how I remained healthy and every antenatal appointment did not feel like a potential death announcement.
***
Jude was beginning to come around and I had mixed feelings. On one hand, I felt defeated that he was coming around and happy. On the other hand, it felt surprisingly good to see him back to his usual self. We had not had sex since I found out about my pregnancy and with Faith gone, I had a niggling feeling that my time was up, but I could not bring myself to have him touch me again. Time definitely did not change that.
I had taken care of the kids for the night, done a little business accounting, and gone to sleep, when I felt hands on me. I was frightened. I got up and whispered because of the kids.
“Jude, what is it?” Imagine waking up to hands on you as if your house was burgled. He did not reply, the next thing he pulled off the wrapper I had on me.
“Jude, what is it? You are scaring me.” It seemed like he was possessed, his eyes shining and intent as he pushed me back on the bed. Even if he wanted sex, why not ask? I also told him my concerns about having sex with our kids in the room.
“Jude, stop.” I said a bit louder. Was he sleepwalking or whatever this could be called? “Jude,” I shook him as he frantically pulled his shorts revealing his erection. He descended on me forcing my legs apart. “Jude, no, not here.” I knew I had no chance of getting him to reason with me tonight, I tried anyway. “Jude, our kids are here, they can wake up anytime.” He did not listen as he forced himself into me and started pounding like a crazy man. I kept looking towards where my kids were just to see if they were not stirring. I was embarrassed and tried once more to beg Jude.
“Jude, please.” Aside from not wanting my kids who were older and smarter to see this, I also did not want to be with Jude sexually again. It creeped me out. For every part of me that he fondled and kissed roughly, I felt like fighting him off and kicking him, but my kids were there. So, I kept quiet, begging him once in a while until he was done.
He got up when he finished, wore his shorts, and left the room. I lied there, my head spinning.
***
“Lape honey, we have not seen you for over three days now, any problem?” Sarah had been calling all day, but I considered it mature to answer her and give her an excuse. I had locked myself in since that night. I slept with the door to the room locked. After Jude finished that day, I felt disgusted and could not even get up to clean up. I cried myself to sleep and woke up the next day after he had left for work.
When I eventually went out, he had left four thousand naira on the dining table. I managed to care for my kids and take a shower, scrubbing my body as if I could scrub off the previous night. I could not understand my disgust; he was my husband after all. I could not bring myself to believe that my husband did not violate me last night. So, I scrubbed my body and cried and scrubbed and cried until I puked.
On the second day, still avoiding him, he still left the same amount on the dining table. I took the empty teacup from the table and went into the kitchen to rinse it. I missed all my incoming calls: the kids’ teachers, mummy, Sarah, customers, and Vic. I was a mess.
It was the third day now and I knew I had to come out of my shell and continue my life.
“Sarah, it’s this little mama that is disturbing me o.” I said, trying to sound cheerful. Sarah and Vic were almost the same, if Sarah knew I was not saying the truth, she did not ask.
“Aww, pele sweetheart. You are almost there. Is there any way I can help?”
“Just see if you can handle the business for a while. I will direct all orders to you. I will be back soon.”