Last updated on December 16th, 2023 at 11:03 am
Growing up, I almost always saw a red light with my relationships (especially familial), as if my relationships were in danger of being shaken, of crumbling… that they’d leave.
How could I control it?
- Be a good girl so I didn’t add to their problems.
- Be understanding.
- Be exceptional.
- Make them smile.
- Lighten the mood.
- Offer to solve their problems so they see my value.
- Make myself little so I didn’t cause problems.
As an anxious adult
This feeling extended into my romantic relationships. On the one hand, I danced between hyper-independency, not asking for help, aloofness, hyper self-involvement, and threatening to leave, and on the other hand, getting mad because my expectations/ needs (which were either not communicated at all or healthily) were not met, doing things (however subtle) to show that I’m worthy, feeling the need to be the one to bridge any gap, and feeling resentful because I was doing it alone.
As a recovering adult
What I’m realizing:
1. Misunderstandings and fights are not necessarily the end of a relationship:
While it’s important for me to be grounded and my relationships are no exception, it’s not a big deal if my relationships get shaken. Not only does it take two to tango, but sometimes, even the healthiest relationships shake. The main thing is that my source of groundedness should be from within, a deep knowing that all I ever need, I’ve been fortified with and while I appreciate every addition, they are what they are; an addition.
2. Humans are individuals first:
That’s why there’s a physical boundary. Admittedly, we need each other and it’s a no-brainer but it doesn’t change the fact that we’re first humans. No other human will be me. It’s why in a healthy and secure relationship, I understand and trust that people can manage themselves first. Primarily, as adults, it’s our job to provide our emotional needs and to self-soothe. Secondarily, our emotional needs can then be met by other relevant people in our lives. I can’t afford to self-abandon in the quest for being held by another.
3. Humans will make decisions:
And I can’t control these decisions. I can communicate, but not control. They can choose to never see me, not to give me love, not to help, to stop liking me for any reason at all, whatever. This is why as an adult, you need stable sources too, it’s only healthy. Even at that, you give the grace for fallibility, because it’s normal. But the main choices can never be controlled. Communicate or leave if it’s too erratic for you. In all, remember that you’re not responsible for the choices that others make even when it’s weird, discomforting, or hurts. Your goal should be always to fortify yourself to be the first provider of stability for yourself and to have additional elements that can hold you (meditation, prayers, grounding, optimism, yoga, taking a walk, etc.)
The journey to healing is long, sometimes tedious, and not entirely straightforward. We’re not broken, and this is a major reminder I carry on my journey. I’m not completely there yet but healing is a process, not a destination.
Cheers to all of us doing the work!
