Last updated on February 23rd, 2023 at 02:32 pm
It was Monday and Jude had gone to work. After so much headache in the name of preparation, we finally did Dimeji’s birthday on Saturday, the day before yesterday. As expected, Dimeji was fussy all through, poor boy. He disliked crowded places and seeing his usually quiet home so noisy must have upset him. He cried all through and would not allow anyone but me to carry him. That was exactly why I thought it didn’t make sense to celebrate a one-year old’s birthday.
The days leading up to his birthday were so stressful that even after resting when we got back from church yesterday, I still felt so tired today—almost sick even. I was sure mummy and Jude had fun though. They were laughing all through with the friends they invited. I had to watch the kids and serve them food. I also served others food. I got little to no help, except for Sarah—Sam’s wife, although she had to leave early. It made sense that I felt this tired today.
After the party, at night, mummy had called me again to remind me of our discussion months back.
“Lape, this boy is a year old and still nothing from you. If only you would stop breastfeeding him.”
“Mummy, I am trying na. Am I God?” I replied, slightly irritated.
“You cannot sha beat me. I am your mother and I will say my own. My friends today were even asking why you are not yet pregnant. Please, you are not barren, no one is barren in our family. Stop breastfeeding him so that your body would know that you are ready for another child.”
“Okay, ma.” I replied, just so she could leave me alone. The party had ended and I had to clean the compound.
I was not ready to birth another child and because I was still lactating, my periods hadn’t started yet. So, even though Jude had been relentless in his demands of late, I wasn’t one bit worried. Although, the sore feeling and the lack of sleep on some mornings were enough to make me want a weekend off…or a month. Even as this thought came to my mind, I felt guilty for thinking of such.
***
Next month was my birthday and wedding anniversary. I’d be 25 and my marriage would be 2 years old. I didn’t know how I felt about either. I had plans for my life and I wasn’t sure I ever imagined this. I used to do nothing on my birthdays until I met Vic and she changed the whole dynamic. Birthdays were a big deal to her—actually, everything was a big deal to Vic.
But now, without her, I didn’t know how it was going to be. I didn’t even know if she would pick my calls and it made me feel really bad. The big twenty-five was almost here and I wasn’t even sure my best friend was still my best friend. I was also so broke that I didn’t think I could afford any gift for our wedding anniversary. Jude rarely remembered, at least not until I gave him his gift. Then the next day he’d bring me a gift.
I was really scared to try to get a job. After the last time I tried and Jude caught me and it felt like I was caught cheating, I didn’t know the next thing to do. After Jude saw me outside the crèche that day, I felt like the ground should swallow me.
“Lape, you are very stupid! A wicked mother and a liar! You lied to me!” Jude had said, with his eyes spitting fire. I searched my head for a lie to cover up the already told lie and I came up empty. I had not expected him to see me, the whole thing was meant to be fast and so I did not prepare any lies in my head. Vic could never be caught this way. Actually, Vic could never be in any of these situations I found myself in.
“Jude. I I I’m-”
“What do you want to say? What do you have to say? You drop your son and go to see a man!”
“Jude. A man? No ooo.”
“So where did you go that you could not take your son?”
“Jude, please let’s go inside the car.” I was close to tears; passers-by were already looking at us.
“Which car?! The car that you bought for me?”
“Jude, I’m sorry. Let me explain.” I said in a whisper, struggling to hold back the tears.
“Explain what? How you left your son who is not even up to one year in a crèche, so you can go and meet your manfriend?” He shouted.
“Jude, please. You are shouting.”
He was going to reply again, when his phone rang. He picked and even though I didn’t know who it was, I heard him say, “Yes, ma. It was her. The person was right.” He paused a bit and said, “She is here ma, with my son.”
I knew it was mummy. Jeez, what did I get myself in?
“Take.” Jude stretched the phone to me. I took it and put the phone to my ear.
“Lapeeee.” Mummy screamed, already crying.
After crying for a whole minute on the phone, she continued talking.
“You have been married for just over a year and you are already cheating. God, where did I go wrong with this girl ooooo?” I didn’t know how they knew I went out or how they concluded that I went to see a man, but I was really dumbfounded.
Dimeji was really quiet, he was looking at his father and looking at me as I answered mummy’s call with my head lowered. I couldn’t even begin to describe how ashamed I felt that day. And I knew something had shifted since that day. For my husband to have embarrassed me publicly like that, I lost a bit of hope—the hope that I nursed that one day we would be friends as couples should be.
I heard that the first five years of marriage were the hardest and that if couples could scale through, then it all became easier. I prayed and hoped every day that my marriage soon became sweet and easy. Jude was a good man, he didn’t hit me, he took care of us and he didn’t cheat, but he could be a bit rigid. That’s all. If he could improve, I would be happy. Right now though, I doubted any change could ever happen.
***
After mummy spoke to me on the phone on that day I went for the interview, Jude took his phone and went into his car and drove off. I stayed on the spot, unable to move for a while. As soon as I got home that day, I dropped my son, went into the bathroom and wailed. I had never felt that much shame before.
I would later find out that one of mummy’s church members now has a shop in the shopping complex around the crèche. Obviously, she saw me and called mummy and told her she saw me. She and mummy were that close and she didn’t know what she was going to cause by telling her, but she told mummy. Mummy then called Jude and told him.
The company called me two days later to offer me a job, which was surprising and I told them I would get back to them. I eventually sent them an email declining their offer for health reasons. Even as I did this, I felt so bad and started crying.
Jude stopped dropping our allowance for a while and the only way we related was when he’d come into the room while Dimeji slept to have sex. The sex was really painful. If I thought my libido was low before, that incident made it disappear.
I wanted to talk, to explain and hash things out, but Jude clammed up. He stopped doing the little talks and dropping our allowance. He only ate and had sex with me. It was a terrible time in my marriage and at some point, I had to pray and fast that God should touch my husband’s heart. Many nights after he returned from work too, I would kneel down and apologise for whatever I might have done wrong. Surely, it felt as if I had committed more offence than just that day.
He eventually came around and started dropping our feeding allowance. But there was still the issue of me being sore from the sex and I didn’t know how to tell him. I didn’t want him to withdraw totally from me, so I kept obliging him every time he came.
Even as all this happened, we remained the sweetest couple to outsiders. We wore the same outfit to church every Sunday and we sat beside each other. He even helped me carry Dimeji. He would peck me and hug me when we were around any friends. I basked in these moments because as soon as we got into the car, they all ended.
