Last updated on November 20th, 2023 at 08:43 am
Introduction
My experience with acne was a roller coaster of emotions. It was tedious, expensive, and just not a fun one.
The beginning
Like many teenagers, I had acne. In retrospect, I probably wouldn’t have bothered especially as a kid who wasn’t really into her looks, but people around me had a reaction and it was that, something was wrong.
My “solution”
At the time, my mother would use a bunch of stuff on her skin—not that she had acne, just the typical women’s beauty routine—and I would find one or two products to use on my skin. Since something was wrong with my face, then it had to be fixed.
The “issue”
This approach of something being wrong with me, with my skin, was where I lost it. That mindset, even more than the acne, was the source of my suffering. It was the reason that I was willing to do anything to get rid of the acne, the reason that I felt shame when new breakouts popped up, and the reason I would constantly pick at my skin until it became a habit. Now that I look back at it, I didn’t really know how much my acne was because I barely looked in the mirror (like I said, I wasn’t into my looks, I was more of a nerd). So, the only way I gauged it was by touching and people’s reactions.
Now
My skin is far from perfect. Obviously, after years of using harsh treatments and treating the skin harshly, I now have hyperpigmentation, enlarged pores, and scars. I believe that the breakouts have reduced, or maybe my perspective shifted, at this point though, I really don’t care anymore. Whenever I break out, I try to understand the information that my skin is trying to convey. Is it my diet? Am I stressed? Am I getting enough sleep?
My approach now is less of worry but more of positively taking feedback. I have come a long way, but it was hard. Now, I still feel a need to hide my face when I break out. It’s a feeling that creeps up when I’m with someone that I’m not too comfortable with. Because it’s not an everyday thing, I get taken aback when it happens and for me, it just shows that there’s still some healing work to be done.
Mirror “Addiction”
It wasn’t until my bedroom mirror broke that I had gotten quite used to looking at myself, mostly my face, in the mirror. The mirror in itself wasn’t a problem, but every tool can be abused if not used with the right intention and consciously. It was then I knew that I always wanted to monitor my supposed flaws in the mirror. This meant that every now and then, I carried the burden of my imperfection in my subconscious.
It didn’t begin one day, but after years of treating my face, the mirror became “important” for me to track my progress or problems. Usually, I’d wake up and feel my face for any new bumps or any successfully eradicated acne, then I’d go to confirm with my eyes in the mirror. I had a small-sized mirror for quick access and a big one.
Rather than replace the mirror, I got one in the bathroom instead. I understood that the lighting in the bathroom was bad, which means that I can wave the feedback aside and also that I typically didn’t frequent the bathroom as much as I did my bedroom, so I wouldn’t have cause to sustain this unhelpful habit. So, I… put the mirror away and will only use it when I want to do my hair or to confirm that there’s no stain on my outfit or something. My small-sized mirror has also gotten very little use recently.
It’s broken, fix it
When I considered my face to be “broken” and in need of fixing, there was nothing that I didn’t try. Nothing that I didn’t apply to my face. At the risk of TMI, I’ve chosen to keep some to myself. I tried both toxic chemicals, food, and “natural” products. I used baking flour as in a mask, Irish potato juice, etc., on my skin. I also tried some things that may have been good, at least I read that they were, like lemon juice, bentonite clay, and tomatoes. I’m sure that I tried more things than I can now remember. I cringe at this memory but also I embrace it. I typically think it was too much stress than the situation warranted.
People with cystic acne may have more reasons to be more serious about theirs probably because of the constant pain, but I just had the typical grainy acne and would on occasion get cystic acne on my forehead (which I later found out is triggered by not enough sleep). Our skin is the largest organ in our body, so it makes sense that it communicates with us. It also means that it’s susceptible to many factors that we don’t consider.
Unconsidered factors
Factors like skincare products (especially with fragrance), detergent or laundry products, diet, little sleep, stress, air pollution, and water, amongst many others can easily affect our skin. For me, I believe all of these things may have in their own way provoked my skin. Apart from the hormonal fluctuations of puberty, no one was looking at my diet or any of the options above.
Even now, many of these things still contribute in a way to whatever breakouts or skin issues I have. I’m trying to adjust them as much as I can if I get the opportunity, but I’m working with what I have. As much as possible, I refrain from calling my acne a skin disease or issue. I prefer to say that I have an expressive skin. If it’s not fine with something, it communicates, immediately.
Still fixing
After years of trying “natural” and chemical treatments, I stumbled on a dermatologist on YouTube. Before I share my experience though, I want to touch on the unsafe and (probably) unregulated chemical treatments that I used. The average acne treatment cream in Nigeria lightens the skin. As a dark person, this meant that my face would sometimes be lighter than my hands and body.
Beyond the appearance, I have enough information now to know that very unsafe ingredients must have been added to these creams and oils and fluids and what have you. All of which I committed to fervently. None of which really helped considering that I still got unsolicited concerns and suggestions from people. It’s no way to live. In a constant state of worry or belief that one is broken.
How I coped
So, I used makeup. For some people, makeup is purely an act of expression but it wasn’t for me. For sure, I love good brows and nude lips but the goal for me with foundations, concealers, and powders was to create a new skin. It’s not necessarily bad, but for me, it wasn’t good. My self-esteem was tied to applying makeup and I just couldn’t go to certain places without makeup. It was a matter of perception to me. I hid behind the tinted products.
Using “safe” products
Upon stumbling on this dermatologist, I started learning about safe and unsafe ingredients, fragrances, the government’s laxity with certain ingredients, a less is more approach, retinoids, and the effect of lifestyle on skin health. And I must say that she transformed me as well on this journey. I shifted to some Neutrogena fragrance-free products, sunscreen, benzoyl peroxide, (I have to google some names here to remember) hyaluronic acid, mandelic acid, azelaic acid, hydroquinone, retinoids (differin and tretinoin), and niacinamide, all at different times, but all used. And it was expensive!
No solution, still
My skin didn’t get better. Which then brings me to the question of what my perception of a healthy skin was. I wonder about the picture I had in mind because these products seemed promising. I consider this season pivotal to where I am now though. This shift to “safe” treatments was in November 2020, at about the same time that I stopped makeup. In December of that year, I tried Differin for the first time and my face got so dark. I’m a dark-skinned girl but I knew that was a different dark. It was an adverse reaction (and I introduced it slowly). But every dermatologist swore by retinoids! I was also consistent with my sunscreen, steadily reapplying (as humanely possible) and avoiding the sun.
