Episode 27

Last updated on April 15th, 2023 at 09:24 am

Each time I would talk to mummy, she would tell me that what I was doing was the right thing. “It’s not easy but neither is it easy for the man who drops all the money in the house. Do your role.” I got tired many times. Some women must have this submission and virtuousness built in them; mummy said the Holy Spirit can also help, that I should request his help.

It was really too early to give up, this was just the second year, what happens in the fifth year? Thinking about it made me shudder. 

***

My mind was thinking a million thoughts at once, if only I could silence it for just two minutes. I was almost at the gate of the house with Daniel strapped to my back. I had just dropped Dimeji off at school and it was not funny. While I finalized some details in the administrative office, he was playing on his own but as soon as he saw me turning to leave, he started crying. His new teacher carried him and started petting him but my son kept struggling to come back to me.

I felt like going back to get him. But he was over eighteen months and due to begin school. I was also looking forward to the rest I would get from the hours he would spend in school. I was now at the gate and my head felt tight. Dan was not feeling too well either. This morning’s rush was extremely new to me—bathing two kids and dressing them then doing the same for myself.

It was probably just nine in the morning, but I felt like I had done enough to sign out for the day. I laughed in my mind. Sign out. I doubt women ever sign out. I doubt I would ever be able to sign out. Inside the compound now, I looked around. We had someone that came to clean the compound every three days. The whole building had five apartments, but everyone faced their business.

Then it occurred to me, I could probably talk to the woman that came to clean the compound, she could help me with the house when she was done with the compound. The problem now would be telling Jude. If I had money, Jude would not have to know. After she finished with the compound, he would have gone to work; she could help me clean the house, wash the bathrooms and wash Jude’s clothes. That’s all. Oh! She could help me go to the market once in two weeks.

I had to tell him tonight, please. I knew he’d dislike the idea of someone helping me. He would especially frown at the fact that he had to pay her. I would still try to tell him though. I could speak to the woman first to know if she was fine with it, but that might just get her hopes up, which would be sad if Jude decided I couldn’t take a help.

Thinking about it now, I wondered how my mother ever handled five children. I couldn’t remember her ever having someone around to help her. She also never worked, not until Dayo, the last born was in SS 2. I was out of secondary school then.

***

I told Jude about getting a help. Surprisingly, he did not discourage me. He told me to go on and even asked the areas I needed her to help me the most. He seemed understanding and at ease with it. I did a happy dance inside me because I had thought I would have to beg him to agree.

The next day before taking Dimeji to school, I spoke with the woman that was supposed to help me. We agreed to a decent amount and I even negotiated it so it wouldn’t be a lot for Jude. We agreed for her to start the next week as it was almost the end of the week. Over the weekend I would inform Jude so he could factor it into his monthly expense.

I faced adjusting to waking up early and trying to sneak an hour or more of sleep during the day. It took a toll on me. The other day, I slept off with Daniel strapped to my front in the bus. The passenger beside me had to wake me up when I got to my stop. Apparently, she had heard me tell the driver my stop when I entered. I thanked her profusely when she woke me up.

Usually, I strolled from the bus stop to the house, but I soon started mounting a bike. Dimeji was taking forever to adjust, once we approached his school gate, he threw a tantrum. He had gone to Ibadan for almost a month and stayed with Sarah for almost the same period of time, yet leaving me for hours got him this worked up.

Sometimes, kids just looked for ways to stress your life. Last night, Dimeji started crying for no reason at the same time Daniel was crying. I was so confused and Jude just returned from work, so I could not even tell him to help with any of them. I allowed Dimeji to suck on occasions when I didn’t know what else to do. I was always tired. I couldn’t wait for aunty Cecelia to start helping me in the house.

***

I just made dinner. It was a Saturday and I had worked so much that I needed a two-day rest. I had been working since I woke up and with two kids, there was just no way to sleep even if it was a short one. I could plead with Sarah to take Dimeji for a while, but I needed to consider school days. Although, I was sure she would not mind.

As I served Dimeji’s food, I remembered Faith, Jude’s girlfriend. Even as I thought about it, I cringed. Girlfriend? Why did Jude ever approach me or my mother to marry me? 

“Mummy, ah.” Dimeji opened his mouth for me to feed him. I sat on the floor and resumed my job. My endless job. I loved my kids to death, even though saying this to myself just felt like I was placating myself. Jude had not yet returned even though he had been out all day. Every Saturday for him was to hang out with the boys. Mummy said men need to hang out with their friends so they can feel free and not tied down.

I would like to hang out with my friend too and not have my kids crying and needing my attention all the time. I had a niggling feeling that Jude was with Faith. The other day he sent me a message on Whatsapp to say he would not be coming home. I was livid and I did not bother replying to him. Not like it would have mattered anyway.

Last night, tired as I was, we had to have sex. I was still all through. In university, I used to be tired after lectures, once I got to the hostel, I would eat and sleep off immediately. I laughed now as I thought about it. I really thought that was the height of it. That was a sweet kind of fatigue. In marriage, I got so fatigued that I couldn’t even work up the appetite for food or sex. The fatigue was from a deeper place.

I hope he came home tonight anyway. I was willing to starve from the allowance he gave us to pay her. I spoke to Vic earlier today; I tried to speak with her regardless of the situation, it gave me peace. She was asking if I needed anything. I told her my husband gave us money for every single thing and he just gave me money to change my wardrobe.

For every lie I told Vic, I felt ashamed. It could only mean there was truly something worth hiding about my marriage. But mummy was still married and she said that was how it was done, you always covered up for your man. So, here I was. Covering up all the time.