Last updated on October 13th, 2025 at 01:24 pm
“Didn’t you say you wanted to learn photography at some point? You could do that now.”
“Zabby, that was a long time. Not sure I still want it.” I answer my cousin and flatmate. I asked her to suggest what I can do to ignite the creativity and enthusiasm within me.
“It was that silly Tochi that distracted you then.” She says, kissing her teeth.
“What can I do now? Tochi has gone.”
“Thank goodness.” She says almost as if the conversation is about Tochi.
“You’ve still not said anything.”
“Angela, you may have to try one or two random things. At this point, it’s not about just what you enjoy; even if you dislike something, it’s good enough. Right now, your real problem is neutrality; you don’t like or hate anything again. You’re just going with the motions. If you learn something and you can muster enough dislike, then you can find what you like.”
“Hmm,” I put my finger to my lips and mull over her words. “Angela, this makes sense. Don’t tell me you’re this wise every day.” She playfully lunges at me and I scream. She starts to tickle me.
“Say sorry and recall your words,” she groans as I try to tackle her amidst the tickling. I don’t do as she says; instead, I struggle. I give up at last and retract what I said between laughs. She tickles me one last time before we both settle down on the couch.
“Maybe I should take a baking class.”
“Sounds good,” Zabby says.
“That’s what I’ll do,” I say with a final tone.
“Wasn’t there one guy who was into photography or so then that was toasting you?”
“Toasting me?” I ask as if I don’t understand what she means. Of course, I know what she means and who she’s referring to. My listlessness has led me to think more about Joe lately than I have since we stopped talking. He could have been a good friend through it all, but I don’t think he deserved that. I wasn’t some girl he wanted to just be friends with; he wanted a relationship. Being my friend while my ex meandered didn’t make any sense.
“So you don’t understand me now, shey?”
“Not when you use the word, ‘toast.’ Are you like my mother’s age or something?”
“Nice nice… The guy who wooed you. Joey, Joe! Yes, it’s Joe!”
“What about him?”
“Didn’t he say he was willing to put you through?”
“Well, that’s been more than three years now.”
“Where’s he?” I knew she was up to something when she mentioned photography.
“I don’t know.”
“Hmm, you were really alive with him even though you guys didn’t date. Nothing serious, I’m trying to think about things you can do to make you feel alive.”
“That was then, let’s face now.”
“So you don’t have his number again?”
“I do. What does it matter?”
“Hmm, this one you’re so defensive. You’re making me curious. You better talk now.”
“Zabby, there’s nothing.” I’m not about to tell her that I recently unblocked Joe and I’ve been seeing his status updates on WhatsApp. My God, he looks even more handsome than he did in school. The fact that he still had my contact saved also made me feel inexplicably giddy.
“Angie, are you sure?”
“Yes,” I say with more intensity than intended. Thankfully, she drops the matter and we move on to another conversation. Apart from truncating my little social life, my online life also went into shambles. Not that I was a huge social media person but what little activity I had became zero. Which means that I haven’t updated my status since I got pregnant and especially not after having my son.
Zabby has hounded me many times, saying there’s nothing to be ashamed of. Some part of me knows that having a child at a young age and without an involved father is no big deal; also, I don’t think people can tell from my pictures that I have a child. It’s one thing that didn’t really change. After a few months post-Eliam’s birth, my body eventually snapped back as if I never had a child. I was really happy because it was a worry for me.
Since my digital life is also nonexistent, I have had to make do with my physical friends. Still, this takes a toll because I understand that I’m restricting myself from socialisation for no real reason. Coming out of my shell is going to be a lot more work than I could have ever imagined. Funnily enough, I slid into the shell unintentionally; now I have to come out of the shell intentionally. Baby steps or whatever they said.
