Chapter 3-A (Angela)

Last updated on October 7th, 2025 at 04:17 pm

I’m still in the rote and it’s beginning to feel stifling and boring. I haven’t heard from Tochi, Eliam’s father and my ex, once in the past year and it’s fine. I’m making peace with it and am actually glad that he won’t be a menace to my son and me. With Tochi gone and the time that’s passed, as well as a decent job that pays the bills, there should be something more exciting.

Two weeks ago, I was at my parents’ house for the weekend in Enugu and my parents spoke to me separately about finding more adventure.

“You know what happened has happened. You have a son, yes, and that’s why we took him, because we didn’t want you to be distracted. You’re young and you deserve to experience many joys in life.” My dad had said while we were in the living room together. My mum also said something similar. “Angela, honey, don’t forget to create new experiences for yourself. You can also consider dating again, this time you know better and there are good men out there. No pressure in any form but we want you to be happy. Eliam is safe with us.”

What surprised me was that they had both said this at different times. It makes me wonder how many times they’d discussed it before telling me. I guess a part of me is just scared. The first real thing I had almost ruined my life and left me with a child. I love Eliam but I have to admit that having a three-year-old at twenty-five wasn’t what I envisaged.

There’s also the concern about how people around me are going to receive this. I hold so much judgement for myself and project this on others. Who wants to date someone with a child? It’s not something I can do, so why expect someone else to? Even at work, no one knows I have a child. I blocked and disconnected from many friendships because of the shame of an unwanted pregnancy.

If Tochi had stayed, I don’t know if I would have been able to manage this better but since he isn’t here, we’ll never know. Not that I’m feeling bored because I want a relationship. I’m not even sure that I do. It’s more about the fact that I know I’m holding back. I live with a huge sense of responsibility. Everything that I do, I think of my son and it causes me to withdraw. Even though Eliam stays with my parents and they’re responsible for his welfare, at the back of my mind, I live every minute knowing that someone relies on me.

This is the part that hurts the most. I didn’t have the choice of reflecting on whether or not I was ready to be a mother—it just happened. If I didn’t have sex, it couldn’t have happened, but this line of thinking makes it appear as if having a child is a punishment for refusal to abstain. On a few occasions, I’ve wished that I followed the alternative but I didn’t have the heart. So here I am locked in the prison that I built, one that I took years to build.

Speaking of blocked contacts and lost friendships, I can’t count how many times I’ve thought of Joe in the past years. At first, I muted his status updates on WhatsApp when I was pregnant. Years later, I blocked his number. Joe had a way of making me feel alive and unburdened. With Tochi, there was a sense of duty of being the one responsible for the relationship; I had to be the bigger one. With Joe, not that we officially dated, it was easy—all I could see was mutuality.

Speaking of regrets, too, I wish I had given him a chance. I wonder where he is now. The last time, he told me he got his visa approved. I picked up my phone and scrolled to his contact, then unblocked him. I’m sure he’s moved on. He probably doesn’t have my contact again, plus even if he does, I doubt he wants to talk to me.

I’ve heard of a midlife crisis, but your twenties are full of crises, from one to another. It’s like a loss of identity, something you probably never had. Maybe that’s the struggle, finding your identity. I’m lucky not to have anything distracting me presently, and I have to make good use of the privilege I have. One thing that can be good for me is to find an interest, a hobby, something. I need to attempt to add colour to my grey life before this monotony leads to insanity. If I have plans to be more for my boy, I need to be more for myself. I make a mental note to discuss this with Zabby.