Last updated on October 22nd, 2025 at 12:18 pm
“Tell me all about Eliam. Can I see more pictures?” He reaches for my phone. We’ve found a little strength to detach from each other and steered the hunger toward the safer kind. Now, we’re eating. I unlock my phone, his eyes on the phone as I input my password. Guess we’re that type of couple, or rather, going to be. It makes me warm all over. He scrolls through my phone and smiles.
“He’s a very beautiful boy. I’m lucky to have my parents’ assistance.”
“Hold on, baby.” He says, then puts my thumb to his phone’s scanner, adding my fingerprint to his phone. I smile at him, but say nothing. “Okay, talk to me.” And I spend the next minutes or so, talking about my son, Joe’s rapt attention encouraging me.
“How does it feel? Being a mother, I mean.”
“Honestly, I don’t think I feel the way that the average mother does. I’ve had help from the onset and maybe this is wrong, but for a long time, I was more his caregiver than his mum. Someone equipped for his survival, since I carried him, than a mother.”
“I think I understand.”
“Still, it’s different. There’s always that sense of responsibility. I have a different respect for our parents now. That sense of not knowing whether you’re doing right by your kids or trying your best.”
“So, he calls you mummy?”
“He recently started to when I finally tried to level up and form a deliberate relationship with him.”
“Ah, so he made you earn it.”
“A smart boy.” We both laugh.
“Where are you with having more kids in the future?”
“Joe, we haven’t even started dating.”
“Officially.”
“What?”
“Baby, we’re dating…it’s just not official yet.” I am suddenly speechless. It occurs to me that that’s what we’re doing, actually, we’re dating. “Talk to me, baby.” Joe nudges, undeterred by my silence.
“Well, I haven’t really thought of it. I never did. Maybe one more child? I really don’t think that I can spread myself so thin having three children or so. Eliam will be five soon and I’ll be twenty-seven at the end of the year. So maybe when Eliam’s ten, I can consider one more child and that’s it. That way, my life, career and finances are more balanced, hopefully, and I don’t run the risk of a geriatric pregnancy.”
“I like that. Parenting is a big deal and a huge decision.”
“I can also see myself not even having another.” She says demurely as if gauging my reaction.
“Hey, it’s fine. Please feel free to talk about anything. I’m ambivalent myself. I mean, I quickly recognised that the decision can never totally be mine, given that I can’t carry a child. I think I leaned towards ambivalence given this knowledge. So what if my wife says she doesn’t have the mental strength? Do I force her? How do I encourage her without coming off as selfish? What if she’s unable to carry a child?” He strokes my arm.
“So, you don’t mind if we choose not to have our own kids?”
“What of Eliam?” he clutches his heart, pouting.
“I mean. Umm. Joe. What?” I stutter, unprepared for this type of question.
“Wait, does Tochi still want him? I know you said that he hasn’t reached out in a long time.”
“No. No. He hasn’t reached out. As far as I know, he doesn’t want him and even if he ever comes back in the future, that ship has sailed.”
“Okay, great.”
“But really, you don’t mind? You know kids cement relationships.”
“What, Angie? Am I with my mum here?” He starts laughing. I review what I’ve said and how naive it sounds, and smile.
“Really, though, that’s what people say.”
“Do you genuinely believe it? We have no kids, yet here we are, look at our story, our desire after all these years…”
“What if I want another child?”
“That’s fine. My ambivalence means that I don’t think I can do more than one child, or, in this case, considering Eliam, two children. I’ve adjusted to a life of being fine anyway, it turns out, but I fancy the life that comes with not having kids, too.”
“But, you really don’t have to consider Eliam as your son, should we, umm…”
“Get married?” He looks at me as if daring me. I nod.
“Is there an Angela without Eliam package?”
